日本人妻を持つ外国人夫の悩み（英語版）

4年くらい前からある文章のようですが、最近見つけました。
面白かったので知り合いの外国人の夫を持つ日本人妻に紹介したら”旦那に見せたいから英語版はないのか？”と聞かれたので、探してみたのですが見つけられませんでした。
そこで機械翻訳をかけてみたのですが意味不明な部分が多かったので頑張って人力で英訳してみました。
留学経験も無ければ学校の授業以外で英語を習ったこともない生粋の日本人（しかも脳みそ半分で片手）の適当なやっつけ仕事なので間違いだらけの不自然な英語ですが大目に見て下さい。
技術文書以外を英訳するのは初めてですし、英語なんて技術屋にとってはおまけの機能ですし。（辞書を片手にマニュアルが読めれば十分なので）

でも、原文が長文なので暇なニートでもないと中々全文を訳す時間はとれないんじゃないかと思いますし、ひどい訳ですが機械翻訳よりはましだと思いますのでwebに置いておきます

--ここからオリジナル適当訳
"Trouble of foreign husbands who have Japanese wives"

- She says "Don't touch me!" when you try to touch her in a romantic atmosphere.

- Strange side dishes are on the table. (Natto (fermented soybeans), Aji-no-tataki (raw minced horse mackerel), kinpira-gobou (burdock root, fried and boiled down in sugar and soy sauce.), etc.)

- She often says "I want my own bed. " (a sense of a futon for each one?)

- If you said "I want you to explain properly in words", she said　”It's tired. (what is ”ishin-denshin" ->　Japanese idiom "tacit understanding with each other by telepathy between intimated relations")

- All dishes are soy sauce taste. Though she said "It is a different menu."

- She gets angry and says "Take off your shoes!" even you walk into the house on tiptoe when you aware something left behind at the entrance hall.
However, she gets angry when you go out on barefoot. (I can't understand anymore)

- Carbonated beverages during the meal are allowed only at McDonald's or having pizza.

- When you say a joke, she takes it seriously and looks sullen.

- Even though you like a fluflufy clothes dried with the clothes dryer , she is unwilling to use the dryer "to save a cost"

- There are too many complex rules using a towel.

- She said "water sprinkler is a wase of water" however, she takes a bath every day.

- She seems to feel an antipathy to touch the bed by clothes other than pajamas
as if the bed is sacred places.

- She believes she will suffer stomachaches if her belly get cold, so she is always wrapped up in a cotton blanket over her belly when sleeping even in midsummer

- When she is talking with children in Japan, you are an outcast ("NIHONGO WAKARIMASEN (I can't understand Japanese)")

- You are lefted alone almost a month (you can enjoy the first three days) during her homecoming trip.

- She grumbles if you left rice grains in a bowl after a meal

- She checks the temperature of frying oil by a bubble of chopsticks, why doesn't she use a thermometer?

- She never says "I love you" from her

- Your English proficiency is waning (asked again by others everytime)

- She speaks Japanese when she gets angry

- She periodically gets crazy saying "I want to go back to Japan"

- Expenses are increased for her one month homecoming trip

- For some reason, she says "Don't come with me" at a homecoming trip

- She does not want to hold your hands

- She often says "It's too cold!" and increases the temperature setting of the AC, however, her cold feet are stuck out of a futon in a moment.

- She seems to be enthralled by young Japanese men (someone called Johnny's)

- When I return home from a business trip, No Hug, No Kiss?
(treatment is worse than children)

- Wearing shoes are prohibited in the room however, there are no slippers in your size!

- When you ask the meaning of the Japanese, she says "I can not explain it in English" ... why?

- Do not glare me like a "criminal", I just want to touch you a bit!

- She blames you that you get bald because you do not use umbrella or you do not eat the seaweed

- She frequently wants to give expensive gift to relatives in Japan

- She hates a kraft dinner notwithstanding that she likes Ramen , Somen.

- When guests are coming, she cooks too much (she seems to have too much hospitality,)

- She often says "It's too sweet"

- She makes a fuss and changes your clothes when she find a hole in your clothes or socks

- She always seems sad and says "This room is dark"

- She says "Answer how many germs on the road!" when you enter the room with your shoes on."

- She eats ridiculously huge chunks of protein - tofu

- She often says "Wash your hands!"

- She gets angry if you said "the taste of miso soup is a little bit strange"
(She might say "It can't be helped because I can't get a good miso here")

- She is going to get angry if you said "How about buying nice clothes for a change? "
(She might say "I can't buy any nice clothes here")

- You want her to stop eating natto for breakfast if the reason is only for the health

- Why many dishes are on the table than usual when a guest comes.

- I feel she treat her family more importantly than me, is it my jealousy?

- Does she have a libido?

- Why does she get angry if you use many dishes or cups, though there is a dishwasher?

- Why does she contradict angry if you criticize Japan, nevertheless she always complains about cultures and customs of your country.

- Why is she always thinking effectual way of something? (time-saving, efficient procedure, etc.)

- She does not understand a potato is the staple food.

- She laid down with children when lull to sleep.

- Why does she clean dishes before putting it in the dishwasher?

- Why does she scold "You might lose your eyes!", if you leave only a few grains of rice?

- Though she worrys about getting extra weight, why does she eat children's leftoversleavings at the table?
I think she had better stops it.

- Only you leave a little food, she complains "Why can't you eat that much!"

- Even though I wash dishes with a plenty of lather and hot water, she scolds me "Rinse the lather off!"
In my country, I left lather and there are no problems.

- When you take a bath comfortably in the bath-foam, and wipe bubbles with a bath towel, she scolds you "Rinse the bubbles with the shower!"
If you forgot it, she is listening in the bedroom, and shouts "Shower!"

- She tries to wash bath towels and bathrobes several times a week,
though, I prefer soft towel.

-She bought a bath towel from Japan. - She said percentage of water absorption of Japanese towel is good..

- When I put a big shopping bag on the ground while I open the door, she looks very unpleasant.
She gets more angry when I bring it to the kitchen. I just want to help her..

- I wish to convey my feelings "I love you" by kissing, hugging on a daily basis,
her eyes seem angry! as if "She is annoying"
So I refrained awhile and then told her "I love you" wholeheartedly
She asked me with a cold eye, "What are you planning? (What do you want?)"
I'm not planning anything ....

- When you call from your company, "It's me, How are…,." "Good!"

- "What's.." "Nothing in particular" Oh she does not hear me to the end...

- Then she said "Bye!" parp parp parp ... , I did not talk to the end...

- She goes back to Japan and even buys a salt. Salt is also sold in my country
She said "Jananese salt tastes completely different." I think salt is a salt..

- Even though my T-shirts and socks get worn-out, she does not let me buy it in my country... she said she will buy in "Uni-foo-ro" in Japan,

- Despite the fact that she gets angry and said "it's violent!" If you watch the action movie with your children,
she watches "Masked Rider" with children. Is it OK?

- In her home, her dad served as like as disposer of leftovers.
I noticed recently I serve as he was.
("Oh,. I can not eat this anymore" " Well, Give it to your father."
"This is not taste good too" "Oh, Well, Give it to your father."
I was once thinking "POOR DAD"…
Wife:"xx-Chan (it's me), I can not eat anymore. Do you eat this?" Me:"OK ・ ・ (Oops!)" )

- She told you have to introduce "My wife is Japanese" instead of "My wife is Asian"

- When you drink tea and eat muffins on the sofa, and she saw your fingers with icing she might say "Are you going to lick your fingers or use the sofa as clothes? ."

・ She forced you to massage her legs and stiff neck 30 minutes before having sex. Serve first if you want to have a sex.

-When you came to eat in a Japanese restaurant or "delicious sushi"
Accooding to your wife's request. You might not to say "This sushi is delicious" This beef bowl is good",
You are taunted "Are you sure what you talking about? How pity you are, you can satisfy with this kind of Japanese food"

- She gets angry in the morning if she finds out you went to bed without taking a shower last night. Sheets which was just washed yesterday might be throwned into the washing machine.

- When you are going to meet with Japanese friend's family, you will probably get many instructions in advance.
Such like "do not say X. do not say Y to Z-san".
When meeting with American friend's family, there are no instructions.

・ My wife is often grumbling "Is U.S. a developed country such like this?"
And said "Japan is a most developed country in the developed countries."
On the other hand, she praises President Obama as "He is amazing." "He is nice."

--ここから原文
・ロマンチックな気分で妻に触ろうとすると、うっとおしいと言われる

・食卓に妙なおかずが並ぶ。（納豆、あじのたたき、大根やきんぴらごぼう等）

・自分のベッドが欲しいと言う。（布団ひとり一枚感覚？）

・言葉できちんと説明して欲しいと言うと、疲れると言われる。（以心伝心って何？）

・毎日、おかずが醤油味ばかり。（違うメニューだと言うが、基本的に全て　
　醤油味じゃないか）

・玄関で忘れ物して、一生懸命爪先歩きで家の中に入ってるのに靴を脱げと怒る

（なぜだ？）でも、はだしで外に出ると怒る。（もう理解不能）

・食事中に炭酸飲料が飲めるのは、ピザかマクドナルドの時だけ

・ジョークを言ったつもりなのに、真に受けたらしく、ものすごく嫌な顔をされた

・乾燥機のふわふわ感が好きなのに、節約と言って乾燥機を使ってくれない

・タオルの使い用途にこだわりがありすぎる

・自動スプリングクラーの水はもったいないと言っておいて、毎日お風呂に入る。

・ベットを神聖の場所かの如く、パジャマ以外の洋服でタッチするのを毛嫌いする

・お腹は冷えると痛くなると本気で信じて、真夏でもお腹にタオルケットをかけて
　寝る彼女

・子供達と日本語で会話してる時は僕（ニホンゴワカリマセン）だけ仲間外れ

・里帰りで一ヶ月も一人ぼっち（楽しいのは最初の３日だけ）

・ご飯粒を茶碗に残すとブツブツ言われる

・揚げ油の温度を菜箸の泡でチェックだって？温度計を使おうよ！

・アイラブユーと向こうからいってくれない

・最近、英語力が衰えてる（毎回聞き返される）

・怒ると日本語になる

・時々、日本に帰りたいと騒ぎ出す

・1ヶ月の帰国をするので出費が増える

・その一時帰国の際にはなぜか来るなといわれる

・手を繋ぎたがらない

・寒いと騒いでACの設定温度を上げるくせに、布団から足が飛び出している

・日本の若い男子に嵌っている（ジャニーズとかいうらしい）

・出張から帰宅　ハグ、キス無しってどんな？子供以下の待遇

・土足厳禁と謳いスリッパを提供しているのは良いが
　自分サイズに出会った事無し！

・日本語の意味を尋ねると、「英語では説明出来ない」とは・・・どういう事？

・ちょっと触れてみたいだけなのに『犯罪者』みたいに　きっ！と睨まないで

・傘ささないから毛が抜けただの、海草を食べないからハゲただのなじられる

・何かと日本の親戚に高額なキャッシュのプレゼントをする

・自分はラーメン・ソーメン大好きなくせにクラフトディナーを目の敵にする

・客が来るともてなしすぎ、料理作りすぎ

・二言目には「甘すぎ」と言う

・服や靴下に穴があると大騒ぎをしてすぐに着替えさせる

・部屋の灯りが暗い、と年中悲しむ

・靴のまま家に上がると道路にはどんなばい菌が落ちているか言えと言われる

・とんでもなく巨大なたんぱく質の塊を食う（豆腐）

・手を洗えとうるさい

・味噌汁の味がおかしいというと逆切れされる（いいお味噌がないから
　仕方ないとか言って）

・たまにはいい洋服を買ったら？と言うと、「いい服なんてどこにも
　売ってないじゃないか」　と怒られる。

・身体にいいからと納豆を朝食に食べるのだけは、やめてほしい。

・人が来るとどうしていつもより食事の品数が多いのか。

・なんとなく、家族より実家が大事そうな気がするのは、気のせいか・・・。

・君には性欲があるのか？

・ディッシュウォッシャーがあるのに、なんでコップやお皿をやたら使うと怒るのか？

・こっちの国や文化、習慣には文句を言うくせに、日本を少しでも批判をすると、
　なぜムキになって反論するのか？

・なんで、何でも効率のいい方法ばっかり考えるのか？（時間の節約とか
　段取りばかり考えてる）

・ポテトが主食だということを理解しない

・こどもの寝かしつけに添い寝をする

・食器洗浄機にいれるのに、入れる前にやたらきれいにするのはなぜ？

・ご飯を　数粒残しただけで『目がつぶれる！』と怒られる。
　なんでこんなに極端に怒られるわけ？

・太るのを気にしているくせに、子供の残したものを口に運んでいる。
　止めときゃいいのに

・たった一口残しただけで、どうしてそれくらい食べられないんだ！と
　文句を言われる

・溜めた熱いお湯と凄い量のぶくぶく洗剤で洗ったのに、洗剤を流して！と
　怒られる。僕の国ではぶくぶく洗剤の泡をパッパと切るだけで終わりで、
　今まで問題なく生きてきたのに。

・気持ち良くブクブク泡風呂に入って、そのままバスタオルで拭いて
　あがろうとしたら泡をシャワーで流してでろ!!と激怒。うっかり忘れると、
　寝室で聞き耳を立てて聞いているので、シャワー! と怒られる。

・バスタオル、バスローブを何回も週に何回も洗おうとする。僕はちょっと
　柔らなくなったタオルの方が好きなのに。

・日本から　わざわざ　バスタオルを買って帰る。吸収率が違うだとー？！　

・大きな買い物袋を玄関のカギを開けるときに地面に置いたら、すごく嫌な顔。
　それをせっかくそのまま台所に持っていったら　もっと怒った！手伝ったのに

・毎日のように「愛してる」キス、ハグをして僕の気持ちを伝えてるのに
「うっとおしい！」と目が怒ってます

・それならばと思って、しばらく控えたあと心をこめて「愛してる」と言ったところ
　冷たい目で「何を企んでる？（What do you want?)」と聞かれた。
　何も企んでません・・・・。

・会社から電話しても、「僕だけど、元・・。」「元気！」

・「今日は、どんなことがあ・？」「特に何もない！」最後まで聞いてくれません・・・・

・そして、すぐに「じゃねっ」プーップーップーッ・・ああ、まだ話し終わってません

・日本に帰ると塩さえ買ってきます。僕の国にも塩はあります
「味が全然違うんだ！」と言いますが、塩は塩です

・靴下やTシャツが古くなっても「ユニ０ロ」で買うから・・と言って、
　僕の国では買わせてくれません

・子供と一緒にアクション映画を見ると「バイオレント！」と怒るくせに、
　幼児と一緒に仮面ライダーを見てます。それはいいの？

・彼女の家では、お父さんが残飯整理係になってましたがいつの間にか
　僕もそのお役目を果たしていることに最近気がつきました
（「ああ、もうこれ食べられないよ。」「あ、じゃあ、お父さんにあげなさい。」
「なんか、これあんまりおいしくないなあ。」「あ、じゃあ、お父さんにあげなさい。」
　オトウサン、カワイソウデス・・・と思ってたのですが・・・。
　妻「００ちゃん（僕です）、もう食べられないから、あげていい？」僕「OK・・（ア　　　ッ！）」）

・僕のワイフはアジア人ですと言わずジャパニーズだといえと言われる

・ソファーで紅茶をのみマフィンを食べ、アイシングがついた指について
「その指を舐めるの？それともソファーでふくつもり？」と聞かれる。

・Ｈの前に必ず３０分肩こりやレッグマッサージをさせられる。Ｈがしたいならまず奉仕しなさいといわれる

・妻の要望で日本食レストランに食べにやって来たのに「この寿司はおいしい」とか
　「この牛丼はうまい！」とか言うと「知ったようなこと言わないでよ、
　こんな日本食の味で満足するなんてかわいそうな人」と何故かなじられる

・たまに夜シャワーを浴びないでベッドに入り、翌朝妻にバレると激怒され
　昨日洗ったばかりのシーツが洗濯機へ放り込まれる。

・アメリカ人の友人家族と集まる時は何も言わないのに、日本人の家族と
　集まる時はいろいろ口止めされたり、誰々さんに何を言うななど事前に指示が多い

・ 妻はいつも何かにつけて、アメリカってこれでも先進国なの？
　とぶつぶつ文句を言う。やっぱり日本は先進国の中の先進国よね〜と言う

そのくせ、やっぱりオバマ大統領は、すごいわね。さすがだわ。すてきだわ。
とベタ褒め。

--ここまで原文

(2024年4月追記：今流行りのChatGPTに訳してもらいました。これに手を入れたら上のよりだいぶ良くなるだろうな。10年で技術は進んだものだ）

--ここからChatGPT訳

"The struggles of a foreign husband married to a Japanese wife."

When I try to touch my wife with a romantic mood, she says it's annoying.
Strange side dishes are served at the table. (Natto, horse mackerel sashimi, stir-fried burdock, etc.)
She says she wants her own bed. (Does she mean she wants her own futon?)
When I ask for a clear explanation, she says it's tiring. (What happened to telepathy?)
Every day, the side dishes taste like soy sauce. (She says it's a different menu, but basically, it's all soy sauce flavored.)
Even though I'm hurrying inside the house after forgetting something at the entrance, she gets angry and tells me to take off my shoes. (Why?) But she gets mad if I go outside barefoot. (I just can't understand anymore.)
You can only drink carbonated drinks during pizza or McDonald's meals.
I made a joke, but she took it seriously and made a really unpleasant face.
Even though she likes the fluffy feeling of the dryer, she refuses to use it, citing saving energy.
She's too picky about the uses of towels.
She complains about wasting water with the automatic sprinkler system, but she takes a bath every day.
She treats the bed like a sacred place, refusing to touch it with anything other than pajamas.
She seriously believes her stomach hurts when it's cold and insists on sleeping with a blanket even in the middle of summer.
When conversing with the children in Japanese, I'm always left out (I don't understand Japanese).
Alone for a month during a homecoming (the fun only lasts the first three days).
I'm scolded for leaving rice grains in my bowl.
She checks the temperature of frying oil with bubbles on chopsticks? Why not use a thermometer!
She never says "I love you" first.
Lately, my English skills have been deteriorating (I'm always asked to repeat).
When she's angry, she starts speaking Japanese.
Sometimes she starts clamoring about wanting to go back to Japan.
Expenses increase when I return home for a month.
For some reason, I'm told not to come during that temporary return.
She doesn't want to hold hands.
She complains it's cold and raises the AC temperature, but her feet are still out of the blanket.
She's obsessed with young Japanese men (apparently, something called Johnny's).
Returning from a business trip, there are no hugs or kisses−what's that? Worse treatment than children.
Strictly prohibits shoes indoors and provides slippers, but I've never found a pair in my size!
When I ask about the meaning of a Japanese word, she says, "I can't explain it in English"... what does that mean?
Just because I want to touch a little, don't give me such a stern look like I'm a criminal.
She scolds me for not using an umbrella because my hair sheds, or not eating seaweed, which causes hair loss.
She gives expensive cash gifts to Japanese relatives for any occasion.
Despite loving ramen and soba, she treats Kraft Dinner as the enemy.
She overdoes hospitality and cooking when guests come over.
She always says, "Too sweet," every other word.
She makes a big fuss if there's a hole in clothes or socks and immediately makes me change.
She complains that the room's lighting is always too dim.
She demands to know what kinds of bacteria are on the road when I enter the house with my shoes on.
She eats an absurdly large lump of protein (tofu).
She insists on washing hands repeatedly.
If I say there's something wrong with miso soup, she gets defensive, saying it's because there's no good miso.
If I suggest buying nice clothes occasionally, she gets angry, saying, "There are no good clothes anywhere."
She doesn't want me to eat natto for breakfast because it's good for health.
Why does she prepare more food than usual when someone comes over?
I feel like her family is more important to her than ours... or is it just my imagination?
Do you have sexual desires?
Why does she get angry when I use too many cups or plates even though we have a dishwasher?
She complains about everything in this country and its culture, but why does she get so defensive when I criticize Japan even a little?
Why does she always think about the most efficient way to do things? (Always thinking about saving time and planning ahead)
She doesn't understand that potatoes are a staple food.
She sleeps with the children to put them to bed.
Why does she always clean dishes thoroughly before putting them in the dishwasher?
She gets angry if I leave just a few grains of rice on my plate. Why such extreme anger?
Despite being concerned about gaining weight, she still eats leftovers from the children's meals. She should just stop.
She complains if I leave just one bite of food. Why can't I eat that little?
Even though I washed with hot water and a lot of detergent, she gets angry if I don't rinse off the soap. In my country, just rinsing off the foam from the detergent is enough, and I've been fine living like that until now.
She gets furious when I try to dry off after a nice bubbly bath and forget to rinse off the foam with the shower. If I forget, she'll listen at the bedroom door, then get angry and tell me to shower!
She wants to wash bath towels and bathrobes several times a week. I prefer towels that are a bit softer.
She insists on buying bath towels from Japan because she says they absorb better−really?
She gets upset if I leave a large shopping bag on the floor when opening the door with the key. She got even angrier when I left it there and took it to the kitchen. Even though I was trying to help!
Even though I express my love with kisses and hugs every day, she gets annoyed and says, "That's annoying!"
So, I decided to hold back for a while, then when I finally said "I love you" with all my heart, she gave me a cold look and asked, "What are you up to?" I'm not planning anything...
Even when I call from work, she says, "It's me, your ex...” “I'm fine!"
"What's up today?" "Nothing in particular!" She won't listen to the end...
And then, she quickly says, "Well, see you later," and hangs up... Oh, I'm not finished talking yet.
When I go back to Japan, she insists on bringing back salt. We have salt in my country, too. She says, "The taste is completely different!" but salt is salt.
Even if socks or T-shirts are old, she won't let me buy Uniqlo in my country.
She gets angry if I watch action movies with American friends and family without saying anything, but when I watch Masked Rider with young children, is that okay?

At her family's house, her father used to be in charge of leftovers, but somehow, I recently realized that I've also taken on that role.
(For example: "Oh, I can't eat this anymore." "Oh, then give it to Dad." "Hmm, this doesn't taste very good." "Oh, then give it to Dad." I used to think, "Poor Dad..." But then... Wife: "Honey (that's me), can I give this to you?" Me: "OK... (Ugh!)")

Instead of saying my wife is Asian, I'm told to say she's Japanese.
While sitting on the sofa drinking tea and eating muffins, I'm asked, "Are you planning to lick that icing off your fingers or wipe it on the sofa?"
Before intimacy, I'm always required to give a 30-minute shoulder or leg massage. I'm told, "If you want to get intimate, you should first serve."
Despite coming to a Japanese restaurant at my wife's request, if I say, "This sushi is delicious," or "This beef bowl is tasty," I'm scolded for seeming like I know everything and being satisfied with such basic Japanese food.
Sometimes, if I go to bed without taking a shower at night and my wife finds out the next morning, she gets furious, and the sheets that were washed just yesterday are thrown into the laundry machine.
When gathering with American friends and their families, no specific instructions are given, but when it comes to Japanese family gatherings, there are many warnings and instructions about what not to say to certain people.
My wife always complains about something, saying things like, "Is America even a developed country with all these issues?" But then she turns around and praises President Obama, saying, "He's amazing, as expected. He's wonderful."